Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
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anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff