I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
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I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.