Well. That’s not a good sign.
You Might Also Like
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton