WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
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If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
Generation gap…
“No way.” -Jose
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.