I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
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Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
True freaking story!
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant