*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
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*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
Breaking news:
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day