*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
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how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
This made me chuckle.
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.