On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
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There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.