Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
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Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now