if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
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Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
Spa day..😅
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
Chicken bread
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner