[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
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Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*