A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
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Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie