Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
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I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
Okay, I’m still confused…
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.