moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
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Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers