How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
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Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…