The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
You Might Also Like
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
the three branches of government
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.