Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
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you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
So the ex texted me
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
this is what they would have looked like, though
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
🙂🐾
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”