People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
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[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit