5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
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Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over