[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
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Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!