picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
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i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
Nothing to do, you say?
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no