I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
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I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY