Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
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Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.