That seems a conundrum…
🤔
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Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Good morning, Twitter x
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real