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[canadians at you, canadianly]
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.