3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
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[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
emergency phone
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
I know
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes