A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
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I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”