Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
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If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
My blood type is b hungry.
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears