Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
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Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
Where is your GOD now????
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
time for some seasonal decor
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet