my friends when i can’t do basic math
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Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.