In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
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me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes