Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
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Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?