mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
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(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us