Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
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Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
*Inspirational Tweets*
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
Investing in beetcoin
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers