I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
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Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
Planet of the Apps.