Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
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NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.