HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”
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My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo