I have written yet another poem about laundry
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girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
#Thanos #MondayMood
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?