Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
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I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
can’t bark with your mouth full
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
What the dentist sees
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.