At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
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“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
No, I don’t think I will.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.