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Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79