Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
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200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about