My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
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wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.