My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
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Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
i hate you platonically
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.