[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
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held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
Yup
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”