My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
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Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb