You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
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{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
Mad Max: Furry Road
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important