Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
You Might Also Like
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”