“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
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goldfish mafia
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆
me as a parent
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.