Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
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Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.